I would like to thank the Academy.....

Last night I did the same thing I do every year on Oscar Sunday.
I got in my flannels, turned off the phone, and scooped out an obscene amount of ice cream into my bowl ,covered it in m&m's, then crawled into my warm bed to watch the 79th Academy Awards.

I was sadly dissapointed.

Here is my top ten list of what was totally wrong with the Oscars this year.

Warning: It is snarky and shallow.

1.) Cameron Diaz looked HORRIBLE. She should stick with blonde, perky and California fresh. The brown, edgy hairdo looked awful. her acting is so average, she NEEDS to be pretty. She is however, fresh off of a break-up...so we can cut her a little slack.

2.) Nicole Kidman looked scary, and hungry. What happened to the red curly hair and deep blue eyes that she had when she became famous?
She is suddenly a long haired, emaciated blonde...gee, that's original.

3.) Ellen was moderately funny. I gave her a "B" in her hosting ability. Better than Jon Stewart, but she is no Billy Crystal.

4.) Ellen's red velvet suit was hideous. She is a lesbian, so she won't be berated for her fashion choice as harshly as her girlfriend, Portia, but still...why didn't Portia tell her that her pants were way too short?

5.)Will and Jada Smith's kid, Christopher Squire....whatever-the-hell his name is, is the cockiest six year old I have ever seen in my life. The kid never smiled, copped an attitude when he screwed up, and seems like an overall miserable child. Guess he is heading in the right direction based on where he lives and what he will do for a living.

6.)Jack Nicholson was so bloated, and bald. Please, someone, tell me he is doing a role that required this look.

7.)Helen Mirren is just plain annoying. She is so uptight-you almost believe that she is the Queen.
Her win was about everything that is wrong with the process. Can someone say "political"?

8.)Al and Tipper Gore at the Academy Awards? Need I say more?

9.)The amount of time the winners had to give their speeches seemed shortened considerably this year. Not exactly fair...but let's face it, most of them had nothing exceptional to say. Alan Arkin was one of the few class acts that took the time to put together a thoughtful and short speech that meant something.

10.) I found it totally obnoxious that the international crowd waved their country's flags when a winner was named from their nation. Don't they have their own award shows?
Last I checked Oscar was an American guy.
Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with foreign film makers receiving acknowledgment from the academy...but waving your flag in support at an American awards show? TACKY.


All of this trivial nonsense, of course, means nothing to my real life...but it is a huge part of my fantasy, my escape. I needed it to be entertaining, and juicy with lots of beautiful people, surprising wins and emotional acceptance speeches.

After weeks of hype, my attempt to see every film in the last six months, and my 800 calorie bowl of ice cream, I manged to fall asleep before the Best Picture award.


Guess there is always next year......